For years I lived a life of binge drinking and binge dreaming. Pining for money and wild parties, music videos, fame, glory, war and power. Loving myself meant I had achieved the pinnacle in these accolades. One of my fantasy lives: I work on Wall Street, make $3.2M per year. I’m a partner at Goldman and have a clubby, gorgeous Russian girlfriend. I get wasted and blow coke with a fabulous circle of attractive and happy friends. Zero consequences and I am never, ever sad. Party on! Yay life!
Where were my children in all this? Where was my God? Where was I?
Is a good life devoid of sadness, reflection, fear and anxiety? No, it’s not.
It’s funny that as you become older and more journeyed, you begin to see everyone else in the world as uglier. I mean that in the most satisfying way. Not a put down others… more a “raising up” of yourself. What I mean by “uglier” is that everyone seems more plain. You see their faults, their fears, their disciplined attempts, their struggles… Even if on the surface they’re composed and brilliant-seeming, you know it’s there. You’ve lived too long, you’ve experienced too much to know they don’t have it. The thoughts
“Who Am I?” “What is the point of this?” “Umm, who am I”?”
I know I am not my ego. It can’t be. My ego is too fickle, too emotional. The ego is flaky, thin and weak. He blows away like the worst type toupee. ::Wind blows:: Chase that toupee down the street and find yourself on YouTube. It’s not a way to live.
If you want true self esteem, do estimable acts. (“esteem-able”) What is an estimable act? If the word makes you think of building a billion dollar fortune or building a new hospital wing… okay. But I challenge myself to think simpler than that. An estimable act can simply be a thought… “I am not special.” “I am unique only in that I am a child of God.” (As we all are) I am part of a fearful whole in a cursed world, doing my best and praying for the guidance of God. I desire to help my fellow humans to the best of my ability — while maintaining the heirarchy of:
1) GOD and RECOVERY
2) FAMILY and CLOSEST FRIENDS
4) CO-WORKERS and TEAM
5) CLIENTS / BUSINESS
We are wealthy and estimable in our treatment of others and in our choices. Our decisions to behave with honesty and virtue above all else.
This doesn’t work because it is an easier way to live, hell no. It becomes the easier way to live. Living with honesty and virtue and discipline became a more satisfying, rewarding life. But the trade-off is a constant effort of diligence and attentiveness to the decisions I make. To the thought patterns I engage in. You must stay vigilant because the world is full of too many negative influences.
It is very easy to embrace the “Fuck It” attitude. To go out and get drunk and make thoughtless and emotion-driven, pleasure-based decisions. It’s the easiest thing in the world. Why then, does this give some people a feeling of pride or accomplishment? Is behaving with zero effort freedom, or is basest stupidity there is? 🙂
Ignoring what makes you human (your brain, your inner god voice, your inner morality) does not make you free… it enslaves you to the unknown inside you. What is driving you if you are not driving you? What is an emotion but a REACTION at all times to your outer and inner environment?
Is an emotion a cohesive thought and plan? Where is an emotion taking you? Do you know… can you articulate?
A thought, a logical decision, a plan… never works out exactly as you seek. You learn to let go of that. But the intention is what counts. The honesty and intention you make these decision and plans with. You let the universe, God, take care of the results. I try to live on emotion as seldom as possible anymore, and live for virtue. For doing what is right, what is just and fair.
That is my rambling for today. Thank you for reading and have a beautiful Saturday.