I’m No Guru. I’m Just a Regular Guy From Ohio.
It’s hard not to feel like I’m on Match.com while I do this. But okay, here goes:
I’m Paul. Thanks for being curious about my site. First and foremost: I’m just a regular guy who failed to deal with tough shit in my life. Failed to accept myself for who I was. I ran away, distracted myself, and it made my life a living hell. One day I figured out how to stop. And here I am. All better, see? (haha, not even close)
On the surface, I’m an average 32-year old dude from Columbus, Ohio. I live with my two cats, Jack and Ella. I have a 7-year old daughter who lights up my fucking universe. I love to work out when I find the time. I was in the military long ago. I’ve lived in a couple other places: Cleveland, Florida. I went to college off and on but couldn’t find my purpose for many years. My family owns a piano company where I work as marketing director and the “computer guy.”
I’m crazy about books. Mostly non-fiction – spirituality, personal growth, emotions, recovery <— these are a few of my favorite topics. But I tend to buy too many books. Then I end up with so many I forget to read them. That’s a good problem, right? I’m also one of those annoying people who love to say they don’t watch TV.
Sorry but I don’t watch or follow sports either. Or world news. Or politics. What do I even do with my time?
No.. I’m asking you. Because I don’t know. I guess I usually wake up, exercise or write for the site, go to the piano company where I work, then go home to work out, read and write. I have got my shit together.
Boom. That’s the short version. Want to continue? Be my guest.
I think most of my life I’ve had the feeling like I was out of my mind. Like I was no good. Since I was a kid, I remember feeling different. I was one of the kids with the Ritalin-spiced applesauce at lunch. And I was always visiting shrinks and looking at strange pictures while being asked weird questions by strange old people. They thought I was autistic for awhile. I just preferred to jitter the fuck out instead of talk. Talk is cheap I say. The point is, though my loving mother never intended it – I ended up feeling special, in the wrong ways. Like a wacky little screwed up psycho kid. But oh I was “so intelligent.” Off the charts. You have to behave and not waste your gifts. (no pressure, though)
Well, “different” later evolved to damaged, screwed up, weird. Feelings like this soon invite over their awesome friends isolation and anger. When we look back at life, high school is where stuff like this begins for most people. I was a “popular kid” I think… but honestly, I didn’t know who the fuck I was, what I wanted, or what these strange feelings were inside of me. I just know I felt alone, unloved. The little shred of identity I had, as punk-rock loving skateboarding guitar fanatic, I squashed away to become a popular athletic kid. Boo hoo, we’ve all been there, though. High school sucks, let’s fast forward.
Vices, Validation and Breakdowns
My broken and damaged soul came to love alcohol. Want to know a shocking fact? Getting drunk is fucking awesome. At least it used to be until it stopped working. It was my warm blanket. My shield, sword, best friend, everything. There’s millions of other blogs and stories about the first joys of discovering alcohol. Long story short, when you’re trying to avoid pain, loneliness, shame, guilt – alcohol just works. The problem? You’re kicking the can down the road. And fuck if that can doesn’t just keep getting bigger, heavier and nastier along the way.
My second favorite vice was sex. Sex and alcohol was the perfect combo for avoiding pain and mental chatter. Sexual validation is SO powerful. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with women, sex and attraction. Relationships can bring moments of incredible joy. And I’ve loved some beautiful and lovely women. But when you use the opposite sex only as cover for your feelings of shame and loneliness, you hurt people. I apologize to all the women I hurt. Seriously, I’m sorry. I hope you had some fun while it lasted, though?
Important side note: Attraction and relationships are like a mirror. We tend to attract what reflects ourselves. Now I know why some of my previous relationships were so screwed up. And why they progressively became worse as my life situation and self-esteem degraded further.
Vices are easy to see. What about validation? I always wanted to be liked, to be loved. Please, accept me. Please, make me feel I’m worthy. Make me feel I’m attractive. Tell me I’m amazing. It was easy to sense a profound lack when you met me, I believe. I was the classically tortured, restless soul. It’s fun to analyze this now that I’m out of the jungle.
Breakdowns were frequent. I’d try to wrest control of my life. Usually after acting out or making huge mistakes based on my insecure and reckless behavior. I’d then try to grab hold then so tightly and “make my dreams come true.” To be a “good person.” This could be 6 pages right here so I’ll stop.
It would take me until one year ago to finally understand what surrender and self-acceptance were about. I learned what compassion felt like. Once I learned how to stop treating my life like a scoreboard, (am I winning? Am I ahead?) life began to change.
Humble Vindication and Self-Analysis
Starting in Summer 2015, I began a crazy journey. Instead of trying to take control, I decided just to forgive. I DECIDED TO STOP RESISTING. No matter what, I was going to accept myself. I wanted so badly to forgive myself and accept who the fuck I was.
Almost instantly, I started to arrive at higher ground. I began to see the relationship between all the terrible feelings I’d felt and shit I’d done in my life. I believe it was a combination of age, growing as a father, and in reading certain books. Books like Dr. Robert Glover’s No More Mr. Nice Guy. And dozens of others. (Krishnamurti’s books are a must-buy, all of them. Go now. Do it.)
The next six months were a hellish journey of self-analysis and pain. Swallowing shameful memories and feelings I didn’t think I could keep down. Ending toxic relationships, choices, actions and surroundings. Committing to growth, surrender and a simple, healthy way of life. Finally, things began just to work. Life slowed down, my heart softened, my mind sharpened, and my soul lost brightened.
I will have many blog posts and programs you can follow about transformation, step-by-step and completely free. But let’s fast forward to my life today.
What’s Up Today and What’s Next?
Today, my goals are to breathe easy, respect my mind and body, and help those who suffer as well. I don’t know where this journey is taking me. I can’t undo the things that I’ve learned. It’s like becoming a butterfly. You can’t return to caterpillar form. You can leave the old ways behind, only by choosing to face yourself and feel your pain, emotions, and fears.
Once you accept yourself, you can finally BE yourself. I’m going to humbly continue on this journey and try to help as many people as I can along the way.
I feel what differentiates me from almost every other guru, coach, author, podcaster or blogger out there is my real life experience. I know these people mean well but when you read or listen to their stuff – they just don’t get it. They’re clueless and living on the surface dimension of pain and sorrow. They obviously haven’t been through the pain that we have.
It’s not a contest. But I understand what it’s like to wish you were dead. To hope for death. To look up and helplessly beg the Lord to change you, because you despise who you are.
I understand feeling like a prisoner within your self. I know what it’s like to have zero hope. I know the feeling of carrying a blackened, dogshit soul. I spent years doing it. Half of my life almost.
It wasn’t about being broke or hating my job, or something little like that. My struggle was about truly hating who I was deep down. I found the way out, and I can’t believe I was ever that person before. Whether this makes me more or less qualified to help you is up to you.
I appreciate you reading. If you’ve stayed with me this far, WOW! Thank you so much.